Raising A Boy

Over on Facebook, a friend posted a slightly-but-not-really tongue-in-cheek mini rant about raising a boy who is about to become a teenager. In essence, the father says he (dad) is not ready. Of course, he received lots of virtual hugs from his friends and a few bizarre notes about how he’ll need to start using herbs to control his son’s hormones. Others less radical folks suggested keeping baby pictures around to remember when the boy couldn’t talk. Raising boys requires attention but not fear. I answered him with the list that follows.

These are some truths about teenage boys:

They take work.

They’re not monsters to be caged. They remain in desperate need of the love of a parent.

They really don’t know why they do some things- it’s brain biology. He reacts as nature made him.

Choose your battles. Reward with attention and genuine interest frequently,

Ask questions and be silent long enough to get an answer (24 hours is not too long.)

You can do this, parent. Keep breathing. Raising a baby boy as an infant is more demanding than a teen boy.

Don’t remember the baby in replacement of enjoying the emerging man.

Don’t try to drug or herbal him into submissiveness without a strong medical need. Boys are boys and that’s okay. Seven to ten massive testosterone surges/injections a day would make you a bit unpredictable, too.

Speak slower. Listen faster.

Decide in tandem with him instead of at him.

Save the crisis mode for a real crisis happening. Every time you want to yell, speak even more quietly.

I think this is a the beginning of many more lists on raising a boy. What would you add to this list? Use the comments and tell us.

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The Anonymous Dad has worked with teenage families since 1985 in addition to having a family of his own with kids ranging from 11-20.

So you are raising a boy with long hair?

On another Mom-helping site, I saw a question posted on this issue. In general, the discussion was about, “Why would anyone let their sons have long hair?!”

Our thoughts in a nutshell: your boy’s hair is the least of your concerns. His sexuality is not determined or indicated by his hairstyle. For boys, hairstyle is either part of the many personalities he’ll try on or he’s just oblivious to it. Don’t worry.

If your son is in school, his hairstyle is probably right in line with what the peer group deems acceptable. Even when a boy does an AGM (attention-getting mechanism) such as wearing a Mohawk, dying his hair blue or shaving it all off, his hair will still fall within his peers’ acceptability range.

If he is into athletics, even as a little boy, his sport will help determine his haircut. For both practical and personality reasons, how he wears his hear will be either functional for activity or functional for personality.

It is also possible that your son really does not care about how long or short his hair is. He may never even really think about it.

Hairstyles come and go. As a parent, you need to choose your battles. Is hairstyle really a battle that you want to fight over? If you are worried about what the neighbors or grandparents are going to say, then you need to gently educate those people or smile politely and ignore them. As your son gets older, he will push the limit with at least one really dangerous AGM. Do you want to approach that must-stop-now demand with the same energy as when you complained about his hair?

You are raising a boy to be a good man as nature made him. Don’t fret about his hair. Raise your children to be free to discover their own path.

For more reading suggestions about raising boys, please see our special Amazon store.

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Sean Buvala is the director of raisingaboy.net with 25 years experience in developing family and youth projects. He is the author of “DaddyTeller: How to be a Hero to Your Kids and Teach Them What’s Really Important by Telling them One Simple Story at a Time” which is available at Amazon.com . Photo for this article courtesy of fotolia.com

So you are raising a boy who is a park rat? A “Park Rat” is a kid who skateboards mostly at skate parks and generally hangs out in the skater lifestyle. With so many kids who are watching video games instead of exercising, be thankful that he’s found some way to keep moving.

What do parents need to know about skateboarding? Here are three things to keep in mind.

1. Get a good board.
There are two things that a skateboarding beginner is going to wear out: shoes and boards.
He will wear through his shoes fast between outgrowing them and roughing them up. However, take heart- feet are one of the first things to grow on your boy and one of the first things that stops growing. As far as boards go, don’t go the cheapest route. Cheap boards that you buy in the local variety-goods store tend to break the fastest. Although some board breakage is going to occur, shoot for a good middle-brand of board to begin with. It’s worth a trip to the local skate shop to ask for a “blank” board. Yes, they are used to parents in the shops- don’t worry about going there.

2. Get the basic equipment.
A helmet is a must. Your kid might fight you like crazy, but remind him that his broken brains can’t get repaired. In some places, wearing a helmet is the law anyhow. There is a difference between bicycle and skateboard helmets. You can also get a helmet that is “dual certified” for both if your son needs it.

Usually, a helmet does not need to be replaced with every fall, but if it buckles or cracks, it might be time to replace it.

Other things to consider are elbow, wrist and hand guards. I especially think your son needs a cup (athletic protective shield worn by men) as well. He’ll fight you on that one if he’ll even talk about it at all. You can always refer him to our article over on this site that has some blunt “dude” talk about keeping his “boys” safe. You can usually get equipment in convenient sets for when you are ready to buy. It’s best to buy helmets and cups individually and not in sets.

Skate shoes are typically a shoe that he will only wear for skating. These can be affordable. Amazon has skate shoes for under $25.

(Editor’s Note: Single moms, if you don’t know the right way to buy or for your boy to wear a cup- ask his dad to step in if you can. If that is not an option, consult with one of your son’s sporting uncles. If that doesn’t work- there are many good videos and blogs online about the subject.)

Even with the right equipment, he is still going to fall. When he does that, he is going to get scars. For many skaters, these scars are like getting medals for battle. Don’t be surprised if he’s happy about scarring up his limbs with road rash while he’s learning to skateboard. It’s part of the skater culture.

3. Don’t take his attitude too seriously.
Speaking of culture, some parents worry about the “culture” of skateboarding. There are both polite and obnoxious people in any sport or group. It is just as easy for a boy to be a punk in the science club as it is at the skate park. Boys posture a lot, especially with each other. It’s normal for kids to try on different personalities. The “sk8r” might just be one of the personality masks he’s working on. Most skaters you will meet aren’t bad people. You have the right as a parent to demand respect in your own home. Outside of your direct reach, he is going to act the way he chooses. Be firm in your foundations of respect and courtesy at home and trust that he’ll rely on that foundation in the long run.

We hope these skateboarding tips for parents are helpful for you.

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Our guest poster, Hunter, is part of the team over at www.easyskateboardingtricks.com. He suggests this Ebook when your kid is ready to move on to skateboard tricks.

This was first published to help pro youth workers communicate with adolescent boys. There’s wisdom in this article for parents, too.

1. Gather over food. Gather in small teams of just a few boys.

2. Use the “Sixty Second Law:” Ask your topic in 15 seconds and then wait for the answer for forty five seconds.

3. Make use of sideways discussions such as doing work side by side at a service project, in the passenger seat of a car or washing the dishes after a fundraiser.

4. Place anything in their hands and fingers. Our office is filled with gadgets, sports balls and magazines. Boys who are busy with their hands talk much easier, even if they don’t look you in the eyes constantly.

5. Go outdoors. More often than not, leaders do too many chats inside. Pick up a basketball and go outside the house. Get a stroll around the block. Go with the whole group.

6. Please don’t be afraid to ask emotional questions. But be prepared for the answer to take several sessions to get back to you. Be patient.

7. Don’t take “I don’t know” as the initial answer. Rephrase the subject in a fewer amount of words and phrases. If that doesn’t work, take a look at number six above.

8. Before doing discussion sessions, write out the inquiries on paper and let the boys read them before you begin the discussion.

9. Understand what fascinates the boys you train with and talk about them frequently: science, sporting events, new music, computer and others.

10. Discover how to use non face-to-face methods such as Email and Instant Messaging to build rapport and trust with boys ın between official proceedings.

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This article was written by Sean Buvala. Sean is the author of DaddyTeller where he teaches dads (and moms!) how to be better fathers (or moms!) with the skills of storytelling.