Raising A Boy

Anyone raising a boy needs to remember the toddler years when the word “no” was frequently uttered by your toddler boy. It was a natural and even expected part of that developmental stage.

Saying “no” in words and actions is also a normal part of your son’s developmental stages as he ages. The “no” you hear now might be louder or seem a bit angrier, but pushing the boundaries is as normal with your now-older son as it was when he first was toddling about.

Maybe you are thinking that your son is pushing too many limits, reveling in his rebelling. What do you do? I suggest you give him the freedom he needs to discover his personality, intervening into life-threatening behavior. Otherwise, take a parent-as-coach approach with your son as he sails through some tough waters.

Here are a few things to keep in mind with your rebellious son:

1. Choose your battles.

I write about this frequently, but sometimes parents need a reminder. In your own mind, know what the real and absolute limits are for your son’s behavior. If everything he does is wrong, soon he will know that you have no idea what are your true boundaries for him. Learn to pass on the trivial things. Hair length, clothing and music choices are among the items that you should pass on. His tastes will change as he grows older. In his own good time, he will most likely abandon things that are really foolish.

Be aware, too, that your sons go through hormonal swings and changes just as your daughters do. Adjusting to his new hormone levels and how they effect his mind and body will lead to erratic behavior. It is part of growing up.

2. Interfere with life-threatening activities.

Keep a close eye on his activities and get involved when know he is engaged in life-threatening behavior. Shoplifting, prescription-drug abuse, carrying genuine weapons and improper use of an automobile are a few of the areas where you will need to intervene. You might be screamed at when you step into a critical situation. Remember that yelling alone cannot hurt you and his biology makes him ready for a shouting match up if you give him one. A good rule about arguing is to remember that the louder your son becomes, the lower your vocal volume should go.

3. Is his behavior a veiled attempt to communicate?

In a boy whose brain is still forming, who does not yet have the verbal skills of an adult, rebellious behavior may be a cover for another need. Is that annoyed, defiant boy in front of you using anger or lethargy to cover for his pain? Ask him if you any suspicions. Has a love interest spurned him? Are his friends mistreating him? Is he struggling with a physical issue such as acne, headaches, depression or physical developmental delay? Ask the questions and wait for the answer, which may take days. If he knows you are open to non-judgmental discussion, he will most likely come around. Keep the door open and be sure he knows you are ready to listen and help.

If you have honestly and patiently tried to speak to your son and he will not communicate with you, help him find a strong mentor who can listen without judgment. A good mentor will alert you when an issue needs your attention.

4. Don’t be concerned about the opinion of others.

As a parent, you need to do what is right for your children in your particular situation and circumstances. While you might seek the counsel of your own trusted mentors, the opinions of your extended family, in-laws, friends and church leaders really are not important. Do not sacrifice the mental health of your son by responding to what “they” think.

Likewise, if your son has moved from simple rebellion (that is, it just makes you uncomfortable) to life-threatening behavior, seek out professional help. Any simple article on the Internet (including this one) should substitute for professional or medical assistance.

You are not alone in your frustration with your son. Parents throughout history have struggled with the fun and frustration of raising a boy. Do not take his rebellion personally but consider this part of his life as a discovery journey.

**
Sean Buvala has worked with hundreds of families in in non-profit organizations and offers fatherhood programs througout the United States and Canada. He is also the author of the book, “DaddyTeller,” where he teaches parents to better bond with their kids and pass on family values via storytelling. There are plenty of free training videos at the http://www.daddyteller.com website. Photo courtesy of Fotolia.com

Over on Facebook, a friend posted a slightly-but-not-really tongue-in-cheek mini rant about raising a boy who is about to become a teenager. In essence, the father says he (dad) is not ready. Of course, he received lots of virtual hugs from his friends and a few bizarre notes about how he’ll need to start using herbs to control his son’s hormones. Others less radical folks suggested keeping baby pictures around to remember when the boy couldn’t talk. Raising boys requires attention but not fear. I answered him with the list that follows.

These are some truths about teenage boys:

They take work.

They’re not monsters to be caged. They remain in desperate need of the love of a parent.

They really don’t know why they do some things- it’s brain biology. He reacts as nature made him.

Choose your battles. Reward with attention and genuine interest frequently,

Ask questions and be silent long enough to get an answer (24 hours is not too long.)

You can do this, parent. Keep breathing. Raising a baby boy as an infant is more demanding than a teen boy.

Don’t remember the baby in replacement of enjoying the emerging man.

Don’t try to drug or herbal him into submissiveness without a strong medical need. Boys are boys and that’s okay. Seven to ten massive testosterone surges/injections a day would make you a bit unpredictable, too.

Speak slower. Listen faster.

Decide in tandem with him instead of at him.

Save the crisis mode for a real crisis happening. Every time you want to yell, speak even more quietly.

I think this is a the beginning of many more lists on raising a boy. What would you add to this list? Use the comments and tell us.

*****
The Anonymous Dad has worked with teenage families since 1985 in addition to having a family of his own with kids ranging from 11-20.

So you are raising a boy with long hair?

On another Mom-helping site, I saw a question posted on this issue. In general, the discussion was about, “Why would anyone let their sons have long hair?!”

Our thoughts in a nutshell: your boy’s hair is the least of your concerns. His sexuality is not determined or indicated by his hairstyle. For boys, hairstyle is either part of the many personalities he’ll try on or he’s just oblivious to it. Don’t worry.

If your son is in school, his hairstyle is probably right in line with what the peer group deems acceptable. Even when a boy does an AGM (attention-getting mechanism) such as wearing a Mohawk, dying his hair blue or shaving it all off, his hair will still fall within his peers’ acceptability range.

If he is into athletics, even as a little boy, his sport will help determine his haircut. For both practical and personality reasons, how he wears his hear will be either functional for activity or functional for personality.

It is also possible that your son really does not care about how long or short his hair is. He may never even really think about it.

Hairstyles come and go. As a parent, you need to choose your battles. Is hairstyle really a battle that you want to fight over? If you are worried about what the neighbors or grandparents are going to say, then you need to gently educate those people or smile politely and ignore them. As your son gets older, he will push the limit with at least one really dangerous AGM. Do you want to approach that must-stop-now demand with the same energy as when you complained about his hair?

You are raising a boy to be a good man as nature made him. Don’t fret about his hair. Raise your children to be free to discover their own path.

For more reading suggestions about raising boys, please see our special Amazon store.

***
Sean Buvala is the director of raisingaboy.net with 25 years experience in developing family and youth projects. He is the author of “DaddyTeller: How to be a Hero to Your Kids and Teach Them What’s Really Important by Telling them One Simple Story at a Time” which is available at Amazon.com . Photo for this article courtesy of fotolia.com

This was first published to help pro youth workers communicate with adolescent boys. There’s wisdom in this article for parents, too.

1. Gather over food. Gather in small teams of just a few boys.

2. Use the “Sixty Second Law:” Ask your topic in 15 seconds and then wait for the answer for forty five seconds.

3. Make use of sideways discussions such as doing work side by side at a service project, in the passenger seat of a car or washing the dishes after a fundraiser.

4. Place anything in their hands and fingers. Our office is filled with gadgets, sports balls and magazines. Boys who are busy with their hands talk much easier, even if they don’t look you in the eyes constantly.

5. Go outdoors. More often than not, leaders do too many chats inside. Pick up a basketball and go outside the house. Get a stroll around the block. Go with the whole group.

6. Please don’t be afraid to ask emotional questions. But be prepared for the answer to take several sessions to get back to you. Be patient.

7. Don’t take “I don’t know” as the initial answer. Rephrase the subject in a fewer amount of words and phrases. If that doesn’t work, take a look at number six above.

8. Before doing discussion sessions, write out the inquiries on paper and let the boys read them before you begin the discussion.

9. Understand what fascinates the boys you train with and talk about them frequently: science, sporting events, new music, computer and others.

10. Discover how to use non face-to-face methods such as Email and Instant Messaging to build rapport and trust with boys ın between official proceedings.

*****
This article was written by Sean Buvala. Sean is the author of DaddyTeller where he teaches dads (and moms!) how to be better fathers (or moms!) with the skills of storytelling.

Raising a boy this holiday weekend? For our guests from the U.S. We hope you had a great weekend. How was your boy? Noisy? Loud? Smelly? Quiet? Rollercoaster-y? All of these things? Remember, boys can switch emotional states quickly,too. It’s normal if he does or does not. As far as the smelly part goes, well, that’s all part of the plan. We’ve got more materials planned for you this week, so check back soon.