Raising A Boy

Over on Facebook, a friend posted a slightly-but-not-really tongue-in-cheek mini rant about raising a boy who is about to become a teenager. In essence, the father says he (dad) is not ready. Of course, he received lots of virtual hugs from his friends and a few bizarre notes about how he’ll need to start using herbs to control his son’s hormones. Others less radical folks suggested keeping baby pictures around to remember when the boy couldn’t talk. Raising boys requires attention but not fear. I answered him with the list that follows.

These are some truths about teenage boys:

They take work.

They’re not monsters to be caged. They remain in desperate need of the love of a parent.

They really don’t know why they do some things- it’s brain biology. He reacts as nature made him.

Choose your battles. Reward with attention and genuine interest frequently,

Ask questions and be silent long enough to get an answer (24 hours is not too long.)

You can do this, parent. Keep breathing. Raising a baby boy as an infant is more demanding than a teen boy.

Don’t remember the baby in replacement of enjoying the emerging man.

Don’t try to drug or herbal him into submissiveness without a strong medical need. Boys are boys and that’s okay. Seven to ten massive testosterone surges/injections a day would make you a bit unpredictable, too.

Speak slower. Listen faster.

Decide in tandem with him instead of at him.

Save the crisis mode for a real crisis happening. Every time you want to yell, speak even more quietly.

I think this is a the beginning of many more lists on raising a boy. What would you add to this list? Use the comments and tell us.

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The Anonymous Dad has worked with teenage families since 1985 in addition to having a family of his own with kids ranging from 11-20.

This was first published to help pro youth workers communicate with adolescent boys. There’s wisdom in this article for parents, too.

1. Gather over food. Gather in small teams of just a few boys.

2. Use the “Sixty Second Law:” Ask your topic in 15 seconds and then wait for the answer for forty five seconds.

3. Make use of sideways discussions such as doing work side by side at a service project, in the passenger seat of a car or washing the dishes after a fundraiser.

4. Place anything in their hands and fingers. Our office is filled with gadgets, sports balls and magazines. Boys who are busy with their hands talk much easier, even if they don’t look you in the eyes constantly.

5. Go outdoors. More often than not, leaders do too many chats inside. Pick up a basketball and go outside the house. Get a stroll around the block. Go with the whole group.

6. Please don’t be afraid to ask emotional questions. But be prepared for the answer to take several sessions to get back to you. Be patient.

7. Don’t take “I don’t know” as the initial answer. Rephrase the subject in a fewer amount of words and phrases. If that doesn’t work, take a look at number six above.

8. Before doing discussion sessions, write out the inquiries on paper and let the boys read them before you begin the discussion.

9. Understand what fascinates the boys you train with and talk about them frequently: science, sporting events, new music, computer and others.

10. Discover how to use non face-to-face methods such as Email and Instant Messaging to build rapport and trust with boys ın between official proceedings.

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This article was written by Sean Buvala. Sean is the author of DaddyTeller where he teaches dads (and moms!) how to be better fathers (or moms!) with the skills of storytelling.