Raising A Boy

Anyone raising a boy needs to remember the toddler years when the word “no” was frequently uttered by your toddler boy. It was a natural and even expected part of that developmental stage.

Saying “no” in words and actions is also a normal part of your son’s developmental stages as he ages. The “no” you hear now might be louder or seem a bit angrier, but pushing the boundaries is as normal with your now-older son as it was when he first was toddling about.

Maybe you are thinking that your son is pushing too many limits, reveling in his rebelling. What do you do? I suggest you give him the freedom he needs to discover his personality, intervening into life-threatening behavior. Otherwise, take a parent-as-coach approach with your son as he sails through some tough waters.

Here are a few things to keep in mind with your rebellious son:

1. Choose your battles.

I write about this frequently, but sometimes parents need a reminder. In your own mind, know what the real and absolute limits are for your son’s behavior. If everything he does is wrong, soon he will know that you have no idea what are your true boundaries for him. Learn to pass on the trivial things. Hair length, clothing and music choices are among the items that you should pass on. His tastes will change as he grows older. In his own good time, he will most likely abandon things that are really foolish.

Be aware, too, that your sons go through hormonal swings and changes just as your daughters do. Adjusting to his new hormone levels and how they effect his mind and body will lead to erratic behavior. It is part of growing up.

2. Interfere with life-threatening activities.

Keep a close eye on his activities and get involved when know he is engaged in life-threatening behavior. Shoplifting, prescription-drug abuse, carrying genuine weapons and improper use of an automobile are a few of the areas where you will need to intervene. You might be screamed at when you step into a critical situation. Remember that yelling alone cannot hurt you and his biology makes him ready for a shouting match up if you give him one. A good rule about arguing is to remember that the louder your son becomes, the lower your vocal volume should go.

3. Is his behavior a veiled attempt to communicate?

In a boy whose brain is still forming, who does not yet have the verbal skills of an adult, rebellious behavior may be a cover for another need. Is that annoyed, defiant boy in front of you using anger or lethargy to cover for his pain? Ask him if you any suspicions. Has a love interest spurned him? Are his friends mistreating him? Is he struggling with a physical issue such as acne, headaches, depression or physical developmental delay? Ask the questions and wait for the answer, which may take days. If he knows you are open to non-judgmental discussion, he will most likely come around. Keep the door open and be sure he knows you are ready to listen and help.

If you have honestly and patiently tried to speak to your son and he will not communicate with you, help him find a strong mentor who can listen without judgment. A good mentor will alert you when an issue needs your attention.

4. Don’t be concerned about the opinion of others.

As a parent, you need to do what is right for your children in your particular situation and circumstances. While you might seek the counsel of your own trusted mentors, the opinions of your extended family, in-laws, friends and church leaders really are not important. Do not sacrifice the mental health of your son by responding to what “they” think.

Likewise, if your son has moved from simple rebellion (that is, it just makes you uncomfortable) to life-threatening behavior, seek out professional help. Any simple article on the Internet (including this one) should substitute for professional or medical assistance.

You are not alone in your frustration with your son. Parents throughout history have struggled with the fun and frustration of raising a boy. Do not take his rebellion personally but consider this part of his life as a discovery journey.

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Sean Buvala has worked with hundreds of families in in non-profit organizations and offers fatherhood programs througout the United States and Canada. He is also the author of the book, “DaddyTeller,” where he teaches parents to better bond with their kids and pass on family values via storytelling. There are plenty of free training videos at the http://www.daddyteller.com website. Photo courtesy of Fotolia.com

When you are raising a boy, it’s good to look for well-gathered advice. Giving this book to your 8-12 year old boy is like giving him an encyclopedia of boy knowledge that he will use well through his teen years. Beyond the only-read-once books he may already have, this book reads like a boy-friendly reference manual.

Filled with a blend of activities such as making secret codes and pocket flashlights the book also provides a trove of “stuff” boys growing into men should know. This information, presented in boy-friendly writing, ranges from phrases in Latin to “Books Every Boy Should Read.”

I was surprised by the expansiveness of material in the book. I thought it would be filled mostly with hands-on activities, but its collection of knowledge enhancers is rather impressive. Even if your boy is young and might not be ready for the more complicated information in the book, he’ll still keep it as a reference manual for future ideas and plans. In doing so, he’ll end up reading and absorbing the more intellectual entries as time passes.

For boys, knowledge is power and this book contributes to his power via great activities and bits of important information. It’s a book that he’ll consume slowly over time. We suggest that family members or anyone parenting boys buy the book for pre-teens and let it do its work. You’ll be pleased with the investment in your son, nephew or little brother.

Raising a boy alone? With a divorce rate in America approaching a staggering 50 percent, it’s no surprise that one of the most frequent questions therapists have to deal with is how a single female parent can best parent their male child in the absence of a father figure. While raising a girl has its own challenges, raising a boy is especially challenging because so much of the growing-up process for them revolves around their father.

How to Raise a Boy?
The most important rule to remember is that your boy needs both male and female role models. As a single mom, you provide the female role model, responsible for your child’s well-being and education. But boys must have male examples, too, if they are to develop a healthy sense of self-esteem that will ensure their success as they reach adulthood. A strong male role model will help develop their strengths and talents, teach them about healthy competition and resilience, and help instill the confidence to help them meet the challenges of adulthood.

The most obvious solution for the single mom raising a boy is to provide him with as many loving male mentors as possible. If the boy’s father loves him and is available, make sure they have a chance to spend a generous amount of time together, even if your own relationship with his father is imperfect. If he isn’t there, find other role models from within the family, from your church or synagogue, and from your circle of friends.

Activities that involved participation with other males, such as sports, provide an easy and fun way to engage your boy with male mentors. In the absence of a father he needs to be exposed to other men so he can see and learn how they solve problems and react to life’s various situations. This is particularly as important as your boy approaches puberty, a time of considerable confusion and change. By the way, know that men also struggle with parenting boys. Gender alone is not a cure-all.

(Click here for a great books to give to your son about puberty..)

Maybe the most important thing for a single mom to remember in raising a boy is that he needs a lot of extra love. He needs from you the praise and encouragement he should be getting from his father. Affirmative phrases help teach him to love himself. Go to his sports events and include yourself in his activities as much as you can. Tell him things like, “You make me so proud!” “You’re going to be a big success one day!” These will help instill in your boy a sense of confidence and pride – feelings that can be put at risk in the absence of a caring father.

You can do this! It’s never easy for a single mom to raise a boy, but with enough male mentoring and a lot of love it can be done. Steven Spielberg was raised by a single mom, as were many other highly successful, happy men. Love and mentoring will be the keys to your success as a mom raising a boy without a father in the house.

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This guest post was provided by John- who loves to write and was once a boy himself.