Raising A Boy

Anyone raising a boy needs to remember the toddler years when the word “no” was frequently uttered by your toddler boy. It was a natural and even expected part of that developmental stage.

Saying “no” in words and actions is also a normal part of your son’s developmental stages as he ages. The “no” you hear now might be louder or seem a bit angrier, but pushing the boundaries is as normal with your now-older son as it was when he first was toddling about.

Maybe you are thinking that your son is pushing too many limits, reveling in his rebelling. What do you do? I suggest you give him the freedom he needs to discover his personality, intervening into life-threatening behavior. Otherwise, take a parent-as-coach approach with your son as he sails through some tough waters.

Here are a few things to keep in mind with your rebellious son:

1. Choose your battles.

I write about this frequently, but sometimes parents need a reminder. In your own mind, know what the real and absolute limits are for your son’s behavior. If everything he does is wrong, soon he will know that you have no idea what are your true boundaries for him. Learn to pass on the trivial things. Hair length, clothing and music choices are among the items that you should pass on. His tastes will change as he grows older. In his own good time, he will most likely abandon things that are really foolish.

Be aware, too, that your sons go through hormonal swings and changes just as your daughters do. Adjusting to his new hormone levels and how they effect his mind and body will lead to erratic behavior. It is part of growing up.

2. Interfere with life-threatening activities.

Keep a close eye on his activities and get involved when know he is engaged in life-threatening behavior. Shoplifting, prescription-drug abuse, carrying genuine weapons and improper use of an automobile are a few of the areas where you will need to intervene. You might be screamed at when you step into a critical situation. Remember that yelling alone cannot hurt you and his biology makes him ready for a shouting match up if you give him one. A good rule about arguing is to remember that the louder your son becomes, the lower your vocal volume should go.

3. Is his behavior a veiled attempt to communicate?

In a boy whose brain is still forming, who does not yet have the verbal skills of an adult, rebellious behavior may be a cover for another need. Is that annoyed, defiant boy in front of you using anger or lethargy to cover for his pain? Ask him if you any suspicions. Has a love interest spurned him? Are his friends mistreating him? Is he struggling with a physical issue such as acne, headaches, depression or physical developmental delay? Ask the questions and wait for the answer, which may take days. If he knows you are open to non-judgmental discussion, he will most likely come around. Keep the door open and be sure he knows you are ready to listen and help.

If you have honestly and patiently tried to speak to your son and he will not communicate with you, help him find a strong mentor who can listen without judgment. A good mentor will alert you when an issue needs your attention.

4. Don’t be concerned about the opinion of others.

As a parent, you need to do what is right for your children in your particular situation and circumstances. While you might seek the counsel of your own trusted mentors, the opinions of your extended family, in-laws, friends and church leaders really are not important. Do not sacrifice the mental health of your son by responding to what “they” think.

Likewise, if your son has moved from simple rebellion (that is, it just makes you uncomfortable) to life-threatening behavior, seek out professional help. Any simple article on the Internet (including this one) should substitute for professional or medical assistance.

You are not alone in your frustration with your son. Parents throughout history have struggled with the fun and frustration of raising a boy. Do not take his rebellion personally but consider this part of his life as a discovery journey.

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Sean Buvala has worked with hundreds of families in in non-profit organizations and offers fatherhood programs througout the United States and Canada. He is also the author of the book, “DaddyTeller,” where he teaches parents to better bond with their kids and pass on family values via storytelling. There are plenty of free training videos at the http://www.daddyteller.com website. Photo courtesy of Fotolia.com

Are you raising a boy who can’t put the phone down? According to a 2010 Pew research study, 23% of young people between the ages of 12-24 send more than 200 text messages a day. Teens, aged 12-17, send five times more text messages a day than adults, with the average teen sending 50 text messages per day.

Text messaging is the new “normal” communication mode for teens. Much like parent perplexities with teens and telephones back in the 1950′s and 60′s, parents raising a boy sometimes struggle with new technologies. With new brain cells and new thinking patterns emerging, teens will use whatever communication tools available to them in order to take their fresh brains for a test drive.

Can texting cross the line into addiction? How can you recognize addictive texting behavior in your boy?

1. Does he seem to obsess over his cellphone? Does he seem to have a physical need to have his phone with him? Do you spot negative behavior changes when his phone is missing?

2. Does he send more text messages each month than the month before? As a parent, you can monitor this through your paper bill or online account.

3. Does he seem unaffected by any correction or punishment you give him in regards to phone usage?

If you suspect your son may have an addiction to texting, here are a few steps you can take.

1. Model the behavior you want.
How do you use your cell phone or texting device? There is a reason they call these gadgets “crackberries.” Are you able to step away from your technological connections and take breaks as needed? If you are addicted to your own technology, then you, too, need to seek out help. Preaching moderation to your son is useless if your behavior demonstrates your compulsive use of technology.

2. State your concerns.
Remembering that research shows texting is now a normal communication choice for teens, be sure your son knows that you perceive his use to be excessive and that you are concerned. Find informal moments to ask him about his text use. When you see him texting, casually ask him who he’s talking to and why. So that he knows that you understand, talk about any issues you or a family member may have had in breaking free of an obsession in the past.

3. Take the blame.
Your son may be willing to text less but feels that his friends may mock him or tease him about limiting his cell phone use. For some teens, turning off their cell phones is unthinkable. If your son is willing to throttle down his phone use, give him permission to blame you for the reduction. Give him the words to say to his friends, “Oh, my Mom thinks I use the phone too much, so she makes me turn it off after 9 at night.”

4. Be the parent.
Few teens pay for their own cell-phone bills. You have the ability as parent to turn off the service to the cell phone if you have real concerns. Negotiate future behaviors with your son before you reinstate the service. Create a written behavior-contract that both of you sign.

If your teen or tween boy does not yet have a cell phone, think carefully before you give one to him. Not every teen has a cell phone and not every teen needs one. Assess your teen’s maturity level before automatically providing a cell phone for him.

Remember, addiction is not a moral failing. Like most things on the Internet, single articles such as this should not be used to diagnose your teen. If you have a serious concern, then consult with your pediatrician or family therapist.

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The author, K. Sean Buvala, is the author of “DaddyTeller” wherein he teaches dads to be a better parents using storytelling with their children. He is the father of four kids, ranging from tween to young adult. Learn more about his book at http://www.daddyteller.com. Photo in this article courtesy of fotolia.com.

While raising a boy, you might discover that he has trouble concentrating in school. There are several reasons for this mind wandering. Some of it is simply his attention span. He is not yet disciplined enough to keep focused on that test when there are friends to talk with and messing around to do. This does not in itself mean that he is ADD or the like. It could just mean that he is a boy.

He also may be intimidated with his new schoolwork. In those middle grades, the more playful atmosphere of primary school has gone past and his brain is going “tween” on him. The discipline of study and school in the 4th-6th grade years may be one of his first real roadblocks, just as gravity was once a roadblock to his standing on his own two feet. This block makes it just too easy for him to let his mind meander- and it is your job to help that focus grow.

You are not helpless as a parent to fix some of these issues and a little effort on your part will bring some good results. As you had to learn to help him walk when he was a toddler, now you need to help him learn some new skills. Rather than view these school challenges from the perspective of something that is wrong, look at it as one of his next stages to go through.

Sure, you can try screaming at him. Maybe you have already taught him to respond to you only when you lose your cool. However, do you recall yelling at your son when he was not learning to walk “the right way?” Therefore, like learning to walk, learning to school is the same challenge. Focus on changing behavior, rewarding him for progress in this latest developmental stage. Work with your boy to create the ground rules, reward him when the rules are followed and correct when he veers off.

Your boy may not be interested in school under any circumstances. Conversations and concepts about rules may not work. In that case, focus on behavior and not his cognitive agreement to the greater good. You are the parent and you do have the keys to resolve this. Work with your son on choosing rewards for great school behavior as verified by his teacher or guidance counselor. While you can reward him with things, toys, money and so forth, try to dig a little deeper. He is your son. What makes him tick? Will an afternoon spent with you on a project, road trip or special meal be a better motivator? Be creative with this.

Do not be afraid to apply some incentives to help him stay focused. After all, you get an incentive to stay focused at work and “get good grades” in your profession. That incentive is called a “paycheck.” Getting paid for your work is not better or worse than rewarding your boy for good grades.

Think about your home environment. Are you providing a good place for him to do homework or school studies? Is education clearly a priority in your own home? Are you modeling reading and math use in your daily life? If he is really lost or struggling, does he need some temporary tutoring to help him learn study skills? By the way, tutors do not have to be from professional companies. Even a local high-school boy who does well in school can provide to your son some tips on studying while at the same time presenting a good role model.

Raising a boy requires you to look at all his development as part of his stages of growth. Success in school is also a stage for your son to master.

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The Anonymous Dad is a frequent contributor to the Raising a Boy site. He suggests this book to learn more about this subject: “That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week.” Find more book suggestions in our store. Photo from fotolia.com.

Over on Facebook, a friend posted a slightly-but-not-really tongue-in-cheek mini rant about raising a boy who is about to become a teenager. In essence, the father says he (dad) is not ready. Of course, he received lots of virtual hugs from his friends and a few bizarre notes about how he’ll need to start using herbs to control his son’s hormones. Others less radical folks suggested keeping baby pictures around to remember when the boy couldn’t talk. Raising boys requires attention but not fear. I answered him with the list that follows.

These are some truths about teenage boys:

They take work.

They’re not monsters to be caged. They remain in desperate need of the love of a parent.

They really don’t know why they do some things- it’s brain biology. He reacts as nature made him.

Choose your battles. Reward with attention and genuine interest frequently,

Ask questions and be silent long enough to get an answer (24 hours is not too long.)

You can do this, parent. Keep breathing. Raising a baby boy as an infant is more demanding than a teen boy.

Don’t remember the baby in replacement of enjoying the emerging man.

Don’t try to drug or herbal him into submissiveness without a strong medical need. Boys are boys and that’s okay. Seven to ten massive testosterone surges/injections a day would make you a bit unpredictable, too.

Speak slower. Listen faster.

Decide in tandem with him instead of at him.

Save the crisis mode for a real crisis happening. Every time you want to yell, speak even more quietly.

I think this is a the beginning of many more lists on raising a boy. What would you add to this list? Use the comments and tell us.

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The Anonymous Dad has worked with teenage families since 1985 in addition to having a family of his own with kids ranging from 11-20.

So you are raising a boy with long hair?

On another Mom-helping site, I saw a question posted on this issue. In general, the discussion was about, “Why would anyone let their sons have long hair?!”

Our thoughts in a nutshell: your boy’s hair is the least of your concerns. His sexuality is not determined or indicated by his hairstyle. For boys, hairstyle is either part of the many personalities he’ll try on or he’s just oblivious to it. Don’t worry.

If your son is in school, his hairstyle is probably right in line with what the peer group deems acceptable. Even when a boy does an AGM (attention-getting mechanism) such as wearing a Mohawk, dying his hair blue or shaving it all off, his hair will still fall within his peers’ acceptability range.

If he is into athletics, even as a little boy, his sport will help determine his haircut. For both practical and personality reasons, how he wears his hear will be either functional for activity or functional for personality.

It is also possible that your son really does not care about how long or short his hair is. He may never even really think about it.

Hairstyles come and go. As a parent, you need to choose your battles. Is hairstyle really a battle that you want to fight over? If you are worried about what the neighbors or grandparents are going to say, then you need to gently educate those people or smile politely and ignore them. As your son gets older, he will push the limit with at least one really dangerous AGM. Do you want to approach that must-stop-now demand with the same energy as when you complained about his hair?

You are raising a boy to be a good man as nature made him. Don’t fret about his hair. Raise your children to be free to discover their own path.

For more reading suggestions about raising boys, please see our special Amazon store.

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Sean Buvala is the director of raisingaboy.net with 25 years experience in developing family and youth projects. He is the author of “DaddyTeller: How to be a Hero to Your Kids and Teach Them What’s Really Important by Telling them One Simple Story at a Time” which is available at Amazon.com . Photo for this article courtesy of fotolia.com